This weekend went from me being happy and excited to dreary and thinking about the frailty of life. I was going to look at apartments and furniture. Then I got the call that my aunt was gravely ill. It stopped me right in my tracks. All I could do was sit and stare at a wall. I’m not good at the emotional stuff. I don’t know how to handle sick and dying people. I don’t know how to handle hospital visits, so I avoid people and hospitals all together. It’s a horrible habit…I know.
By the end of this weekend I learned that my friend’s grandad had died and another friend’s uncle died as well. I have older parents, so I never felt invincible like all the other people my age and younger. I feel like I’m always running out of time even though I constantly tell myself I’m not.
I have always been afraid of things. I’ve always been worried about anything. Am I having too much fun? Am I having enough fun? Am I too serious? Am I doing things right or am I just too weird? Do I talk to my family and friends enough? What the hell am I doing with my life? What the hell am I doing period?
Moments of slight OCD used to and still show up in the form of me writing a letter and then erasing several times until perfect or repeating a thought or word until it sounds right or rearranging one piece furniture because if I don’t something bad will happen.
Maybe I feel this way because Mercury is in retrograde? I don’t know. I tried to avoid the negativity in that and make my own path but whatever. I guess this is a thought that will be lingering around for awhile. The frailty of life is getting me down you guys. Has Mercury’s retrograding ass got you down? Let me know. Photo from Unsplash.
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