I haven’t done a personal/lifestyle type post in a long time. I love to do them, but I feel like I should only do them when it feels right, you know? I should only do them when the writing pours from within me out onto the screen. Well I just bought Kelly Cutrone’s new book Normal Gets You Nowhere.Everyone that bought it the other day has said that it is a wealth of knowledge just like her first book. Everybody also said that everyone should read the second chapter, which is dedicated to sexual knowledge. I decided to stop working on final projects to read it, and I have to say, that chapter got me to thinking. While I may not agree with her on some things, I do believe that having sexual knowledge is power, and you can quote me on that.
Below is what Kelly calls the Kella-Sutra. Below that you find the Jai-Sutra or whatever.
- If you don’t know yourself and what you want, then you have no business being in bed with someone else.
- Do not be in places where you don’t want to be, especially in states of intoxication.
- The whole wait-two-days-before-you-call thing is a bunch of bullshit.
- If it’s happening at the zoo, it could or should be happening to you.
- Do not pretend things are happening for you if they are not.
- Take no prisoners; and if you do, make sure you untie them in the morning, so they can go to work and make money.
- Lovemaking does not always have to involve a penis and a vagina ( or two penises or two vaginas).
- If you’re not getting fucked by midnight, go home.
- If you’re sleeping with a married man, you’re helping him stay married.
- Just because you’re great lovers doesn’t mean you’re going to live happily ever after.
Before I get started, I do want to say that I believe in abstinence and have no problem telling people that I am a virgin. I believe that we should able to speak freely about sex whether we choose to do it or not. Now I may not want to know every detail of my your sex life, but that doesn’t mean we should be ashamed to voice our opinions on the topic. That is why I wrote this post. I am not a doctor or therapist, I am just simply stating my opinions, some of which overlap with Kelly’s, which I think border on common sense. If you have a problem with a virgin telling you about sex, skip this part of the post. I will say this: what I write should be common knowledge for all sexually and non-sexually active persons. I also believe that I can talk about these things without general field knowledge. Moving on…
- All women and men, whether they are sexually active or not should know about their bodies, what they want sexually, and how to take care of them. Don’t think you get a pass on not knowing what is what just because you don’t have sex. You will have sex one day, or maybe you are having sex now. Either way you should know what makes your body rock, yes even as a virgin. I’m not telling you to touch yourself but you can be a sensible, sensual virgin without doing that. If you decide to do that , then do it. Figure it out. You should know about birth control, and you should actively get tested. Also proper hygiene is a must.
- If your man, woman, or whoever doesn’t want to get tested or wear a condom move on to next one. Your life and body are far too precious to be sullied by some disease. Also if your lover never has condoms, keep your own. Will.I.Am. seems to think there is something wrong with a woman who carries condoms, but I call that being responsible.
- If you aren’t ready for sex, don’t do it. Also don’t give out blowjobs, handjobs, anal, or whatever else is hot in the streets these days just to pacify someone or stay a “virgin”. Newsflash sex is sex, don’t let someone pressure you into doing something too soon because you won’t enjoy it. Also, give someone a little bit of yourself and they are bound to want more. DON’T EVEN TRY IT!
- Speaking of blowjobs, if you don’t want to do that it’s OK. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and that goes for everything again. Just do what you feel is right, because I guarantee you if you aren’t feeling it he will be able to tell, and that sucks for everyone. The same goes for swallowing. Don’t do it if you don’t want to. If he gets all bent out of shape about that, tell him to get a life. Did you know that oral sex has surpassed smoking as one of the top causes of throat cancer? I’m not saying, but I’m saying, ya dig?
- Don’t put yourself in a situation where you don’t have control of your mind or body. Bad things happen when you can’t make decisions for yourself or your decisions aren’t clear. Self-explanatory. You don’t want to be put in a situation where your safety is at risk. ALSO– If you know any young men in your lives, teach them that no actually means no. We are so busy teaching women what not to do, that we forget about telling men that that shit is not a-ok!
- Love is blind, so wake the fuck up and follow your instinct! I believe in believing in signs without becoming too paranoid about them. People, for the most part, tell you who they really are by their actions and not by their words. If he doesn’t want to see you on holidays, or you can’t come to his home or office at certain times or you aren’t allowed there at all… YOU ARE A JUMP-OFF OR MOST LIKELY BEING PLAYED FOR A FOOL. Don’t fall for it. Kelly says get a background check of your lovers. I’ve always said that, because I refuse to be caught out there. If something doesn’t feel right, guess what… if usually isn’t.
- Don’t purposely be a jump-off. Women who put themselves in this situation look stupid, and you don’t want to look stupid do you? The man will never leave, and if he does, he will more than likely be spending his time with someone other than you since he just freed up space in his life. If you think Swizz Beats and Alicia Keys are a fairy tale love story come true, remember he has more than one baby mama, and some of them would overlap on a timeline of his life. Hmm.
- OK so the sex is not just good, but Tony the Tiger GRRREAT! That doesn’t mean that you all are sole mates. I once knew a woman who stayed with a man for 10 years and had two kids with this man all because he was the first man to give her an orgasm. You can find someone else who is actually compatible with you to give you an orgasm. You can also use your hand or a dildo. I mean they sell vibrators in Walgreens. Whatever works as long as you aren’t wasting your time.
- Speaking of sole mates, actually talk to your lovers to figure out whether you all mesh well or not. The woman above would have saved ten years of her life. That is a whole wasted ass decade.
- Last but not least, tell people what you want, because how are people supposed to know if you don’t let them know. I may be a virgin, but I’ll be damn if I let some man shimmy all up inside me, finish, and then leave me to my own defenses. SHIIIIT! That ain’t happening. I’m gonna let you know how I feel. You should always talk to your partner about what you want and what they want. If they aren’t trying to hear you, you might want to move on. Now I know some of y’all are like, ” How am I supposed to leave him for something like this if we are married?” Well this brings me back to the disclaimer,” I believe that we should able to speak freely about sex whether we choose to do it or not.” I may not be having sex, but when I get engaged, just like I will talk to my man about children-money-etc., I’m going to talk to my man about what I want or think I might want in bed. You all should speak on it too. How else are you going to know what kind of person you are dealing with? I don’t like going into situations cold. Remember sexual knowledge is power.